I screamed so loud for her… come back

Mum, please, I need you.

As she walked away from me, I screamed louder and louder. Come back, come back. Please, Mum, come back.

LOOK AT ME.

A snippet of EXODUS breathwork & healing retreat.

In that room, this Saturday on the hills of The Heradurra with the Spanish sea air & caocao for good measure I released more than I’ve ever released before. Surrounded by 13 other women. Screaming, crying, laughing, releasing.

I knew what I’d signed up for, and I went with one thing in mind. The recent rising of grief from the loss of my mum stored in my body since 2019 was just like the cream that sits on the top of a raw glass of milk, and was waiting. My body was curdling and it was ready to go. I said I was going all in and of course in true form I went more so.

I started crying as soon as the ceremony begun. It was itching to burst out of me, scratching at my throat. And I was not afraid to let it come. As I laid down amongst a sea of energy, women on their own journey, I focused in.

My throat started to vibrate, so much so my head was moving. Spasms took over and I just allowed them to be. Within the first 10 minutes I let out a whale of emotion. Ailish, the facilitator holding my hips to allow more release. And I howled. My mother stood over me the whole time. I saw her face. She told me it was time. Time to let go.

The second release was ANGER. I could feel it coming up to the surface, my stomach wrenching again and again, I screamed! This time Anna held my shoulders, she was screaming with me, permission granted I screamed even more until the rage was pure FIRE. I kicked around so hard, my whole body moving whilst Anna holding me in place, NO NO NO NO I scream. YESSS Anna replies. Yes. It was as if I was a child having the biggest emotional tantrum. I went MAD. And it felt SO GOOD!

Video - TRIGGER WARNING.

The fly on the wall did not judge. Because what was being witnessed here was pure power. For what some may see as an uncomfortable and distressing sight is just HUMAN emotion at its peak. Our body is holding SO MUCH. And we are suppressing constantly. For what? The comfort of others? No, not today.

A sense of lightness was with me after the second release. Still blind folded, I got onto my knees, celebrating with my ancestors I smiled, I started seeing energy and danced with it. Taking and collecting from around me I was turning into finely tuned vortexes that would finally disperse into the ground. Mother Gaia. Fuck I was happy. Elated. But it didn’t end there.

After my play, and moving energy I laid back down, focusing back on my breath. Hearing the women around me allowed the flow of tears. My normal gift of vision was not present during this session. I was so grounded in my body and soul flight was not an option. I breathed again, and there she was. My Mum. Stood above me again. She took me back to the memory of our last goodbye. Her in the hospital bed, unresponsive but still listening. I cried harder. She smiled, hugged me and then started to walk away.

I started to scream WHY WHY WHY WHY, whaling, my throat felt the pressure. Anna held me again. I continued to scream, why for about 2 minutes as I saw her leave me. This then fell into a whimper cry of Mum, mum, please. I need you. I NEED YOU. The screaming continued…

The volume increased once more COME BACK. I screamed so hard the room shook. I continued to scream but she didn’t come back. She continued to walk away. Was this her ascension? Had she been on the earth plane all this time. She was going into the light! I got more frustrated and the screaming changed to LOOK AT ME. This continued for a few moments. She didn’t look back.

Video - Trigger warning ⚠️ this may be uncomfortable to watch. Please note the facilitators are trauma informed and we are in a safe space.

In that moment I was completely undone. Wild. Open. Vulnerable.

There is something uniquely special sharing a space with other women, all releasing trauma and being held so safely.

There is so much more to share, but for now I leave with you this powerful vulnerability and hope it reminds you that you too can come undone ❤️