There I was, 3am on a week day. 29 years old, locked out of my dad’s place where I was staying, keys at my friend’s house. Walking the streets with a guy I hardly knew. Waiting for the sun to rise so I could get into my bed. Recklessly sniffing cocaine to stay awake, to stay in character.
A few months prior my dad’s partner passed away suddenly, they’d be talking about their plans together, buying a cottage and enjoying their life. It was the first time I’d ever seen my dad so happy and content with a woman. His excitement to tell me about his weekends with her was beautiful. As if I was seeing him as a child. His eyes would light up. The softness in his demeanour was touching. But life had other plans. I watched her take her last breath in the warmth of my dad’s arms.
There was no space for my grief, not in a room full of her family. My dad. Instantly I started making tea for everyone, offering comforting words. As soon as we got home his grief smothered me. He didn’t need to say a word. The energy was suffocating and I was absorbing every tiny bit of it.
It’s one thing grieving yourself, but his heartbreak was stabbing me in the heart multiple times a day. I couldn’t breathe. As if I was bleeding again and again, no one to stop it.
It felt like dying but still being awake.
Unbearable to watch, to feel, to hear. So when cocaine found its way to me at a house party one evening I took it without a thought.
What I felt next was a shift in my emotional state. Or so I thought. A feeling of aliveness, numbness to the sadness I’d been feeling. Dopamine was sky high, the coke feeding me sweet nothings. This felt good, it felt free. Yet I wasn’t free at all. It was a trap. A trap into addiction and darkness.
As I write this I feel deep sadness and embarrassment, the sickness fills my stomach as I imagine my 29 year old self feeling that lost that she felt she needed to escape.
Escape was exactly what I was doing. Every time I sniffed this sweet drug up my nose I was instantly transported to a place outside of my reality. I started to spend more and more time with these friends, in their home. Drugs on tap. Alcohol always available. Week nights & weekends. No matter the time I was constantly escaping.
This isn’t the first time I’ve tried to escape the human experience and it wasn’t the last.
Escaping the human experience was the want and need to not FEEL. Because feelings and emotions can have a dark hold on us.
The constant heaviness can manifest as anxiety, depression and sometimes the urge to harm ourselves emotionally and physically. I was experiencing this. The low vibration becomes a portal for psychic attacks and manifestation of more low vibrational energy and experiences.
Over the years I’ve found the needing to escape from reality can look like a host of different things. It might seem like a subtle need to find dopamine hits, such as emotional eating or doing something out of the ordinary to gain validation or attention. It can look like the deleting memories, social accounts or shutting everyone off. Constantly feeling the need to start again, do something new or experience something else in return for a feeling of accomplishment or happiness. Dissociating from life in every aspect. The lack of connection and a feeling of pure loneliness. I was doing this again and again and again. Every time something felt hard.
And then there’s pharmaceutical drugs, illegal drugs and alcohol. Anything that consumes you and makes you forget about the reality of your emotions or trauma. And when the effects wear off we are faced with the same feelings again and again. It’s like Groundhog Day. And as it’s happening you can’t help but think why, why can’t it just go away. Why can’t I feel happy, be happy?
Victim mode is activated strongly during these times and a lack of wanting to turn inwards. The nervous system is on high alert and the body is keeping the score. So what happens? We continue the cycle of addition, dissociating, seeking validation and outward answers.
My escape didn’t start at 29. It started when I was a child. Not being able to express my emotions in front of my mother. No one to regulate my nervous system when I was feeling the feels. My mum couldn’t cope with my sensitive ways. I was labelled dramatic and my tears to her were never pure.
Crocodile tears.
So I never learnt how to regulate my own emotions. And most of the time I was sent away to my room to cry alone. I’d feel so guilty and ashamed of myself that I’d write a sorry letter or card to my mum and post it under the living room door. This made her happy and she would hug me. What did this tell me?
That emotions are bad and that we should sacrifice our own feelings so make others comfortable.
Realising the route of my emotional journey helped me to understand why I managed and dealt with my feelings as an adult. It explained why I would look for escape every time something went wrong. Because feeling my feelings was wrong. My feelings were not valid.
So what changed?
Awareness - I started to become aware of how my body was feeling after suffering with severe migraines. It was as if I was being shown that I needed to address this. I needed to change. The physical pain I felt from this led to me A&E where not even morphine could turn it off. I had NO option but to sit with it. To feel it. To be aware of it. I started to communicate with the pain, why are you here? And through this the answers started to flood through. Not long after I released. Tears fell for hours.
Choice - I had a choice. You ALWAYS have a choice. I realised I could decide how I felt, I could actually communicate with these emotions and feelings inside my body. And by addressing them I could create new direction. I decided that I wasn’t going to push these messages away anymore, but instead push through them with an open mind. As an opportunity to grow and learn.
Action - Then I started to create change. With a mind which was open and accepting of my emotions, I was able to seek support, create daily change In my habits, practise self care and build self trust. Without expectations I started to move my body, take time to breathe and find joy in life.
Whilst these tools are the start of finding your way and regulating your emotions, life will forever be full of darkness and light. But the more you’re able to lean into the shit, the more you become comfortable with the uncomfortable.
The human experience is one to feel everything. To feel the pain, the joy, the love. You are here to undo the programme of your mind and uncover your true self. To become a woman undone. And If you’re reading this, I know your soul wants you to remember just how powerful you are!
P.S Tonight’s full moon is the perfect time to address anything that’s no longer serving you and let it go. You’ve got this.
With love 🌷